Power Metal has gone on for centuries without seeing so much as a fart from its once prime, legendary Warriors. However, a new dong has risen, and these cheese-slinging, cock-wielding masters are unlike any other. After huddling in the shadows of their sack-shaped cavern, the mighty Powerdong returns with the scripture of their full-length tome in The Divine Phallusy.

Formed in 2020 by guitarist Christian Foldal and composer Ola Moum with the hopes of creating a Power Metal band, it was ideal that they not only embraced the genre but dug their claws into its satirical roots. This hope became a reality with the debut EP Powerdong that released in 2022 (which I also reviewed, link below!). The EP featured a mix of progressive, symphonic and melodic elements while still holding true to those satirical desires revolving around memes, internet, and gaming culture.

For the last two years, the band has grown with three new members joining the folds of the dong; bassist Erlend Caspersen (current member of Abhorrent and Igorr, formerly of Deeds of Flesh, Spawn of Possession, and Blood Red Throne), vocalist Dan Elias (YouTuber at synth000 and singer of Assimilate), and guitarist and sound tech Geir Wetterhus (of Assimilate). With the party now at max, Powerdong has shifted from their symphonic roots, mastering the satire and allowing it to take the spotlight and take the reins regardless of the genre they indulge.


“The Calling” introduces these enthusiastic dong masters, the next step from their debut EP in 2022, with just as much sass, crass, and ass as Fantasy fanatics expect. It’s symphonic and melodic, turning the page in Powerdong history to legends anew with curiosity and a devilish grin. Of course, I expect nothing less from these Masters of Masturbation as they are steadfast in their Fantasy deliverance, taking the reins with “Gandalf“.

Grinding riffs stream down the cliff-side, head-banging easy to slip into as if spellbound. It’s a heavy track with wild double-kicks, and harsh vocals that bring both shock and awe. The speed kicks off and we see the greybeard of Mithrandir rise before us, grin on his face and chuckle in his heart. We plead and cry, the magic we’ve tried but the temptation is too deep, and Gandalf shall let no one pass on his secrets. A hearty track of withdrawal and desire. The need to hold back but the demand to give in too large and often too blue to ignore. It’s catchy and fun, as expected for an elongated introduction that quickly has you fapping for more.

But umm actually it’s “Lethal infection” that REALLY captures the dong in us all. The twitching finger to type out our knowledge. Our thirst to overshare when someone’s harmless post gets caught in our cross hairs. The voices on this track had me cackling while the stunning melody had me waiting for some mythical sunset. It truly left my jaw on the floor because despite the conflicting lyrics and cinema-level sound, the sheer epicness of this track cannot be ignored. Vocals hit the clouds on this hilarious yet beautiful track and it’s something worth playing over and over. Y’know just to make sure you’ve got the comments covered.

“The Fair and the Maiden bear” is not the fairytale you would expect, and it’s absolutely fantastic. With an onslaught of wild riffs and heaviness, this track only gets yassified with infectious lyrics and a dreamy melody. There’s no goldilocks waiting on the dance floor for these sequin-speckled bears as they grind and wait, eyes scanning for the perfect mate. It’s something that xxxsixtynineanalwarlordxxx would be absolutely having a MELTDOWN over.

The power continues on “Don’t long for tomorrow” with delicate keys striding in for that speedy track, with racing strings and the batter of drums demanding a chase. The endless tick of time claws at us with the infinite thirst for our youth. Grow up. Work. Feed the machine. The tiring message that ever-lingers is met by gritty vocals and foreboding howls as the drums hit us like alarm bells and the lyrics remind us of our wasted youth. Once so desperate to grow up, we are now faced with the inevitable hell of back pain, bills and the daily grind. It’s a sorrowful tale, one that nods to the tragedy with melodic heaviness and grief.

If you’ve come this far, then you’re ready to “Like and Subscribe“! This jazzy track is a real kick in the nuts to the strange channels and youtube ‘sensations’ that just need to feed on your interaction. The guitars on this track are fantastic with the bits of trumpet just really adding to the parade of cringe this track dives into. Swatting the clickbait, tilting heads at the thumbnails. What’s a dead gopher got to do with press-on nails? Let’s check the comments! “Omg.” “Heartreacts only” “My uncle Clem once found 72 gophers stacked 7 feet high…” It pays homage to the wild and unchecked world of streaming sensationalism and like oMg I cAnNoT tAkE iT! So, tickle that lil bell in the corner, would ya?

Oh, if you thought the end was coming with the comment goblin, then woe to you as you come unprepared for “The Grandmapocalypse“. Like the Rohirrim riding on the dawn, this track gallops in on epic highs, soaring in symphonic melody and dynamic vocals without flaw. For the glory of pastry. For the be all, end all that is the cookie. For a song that speaks of bingo, grannies, and naps this track goes insanely hard. A melody that’s as infectious as it is heavy, no one really was prepared for the indulgence that would come from The Grandmapocalypse. It’s a difficult one to describe, to pull from and go ‘well, that was something’ because it just holds SO MUCH POWER that I can’t help but crank it up and start all over.

“Go Big or Go Dong” is maddening. It’s got the campiness of Panzerdong in its roots while giving that modern post-hardcore sound a try. I cannot express how much I LOVE the energy that Powerdong brings to each and every song they create. There’s no timidness. No regret. Just DONG and this track REALLY puts that all on display. No… really. All of it. A true anthem for the gymbros that go HARD. Balls shriveled, meat for brains, with the only thought left repeating ‘for gainz’. The vocal skill on this track really takes it up a notch with harsh lows, brilliant high holds, and flawless energy throughout. It’s a seamless track that really gets you sweatin’ up a storm because aren’t deadlifts truly better than porn?

Though we head for the wind-down, “Hero of Dover” is far from a closer. An alcohol-induced decision steers us back into that old-school metal feel with this ballad. Beer, wine, gin, or bourbon. Grab a glass and hold it high for this one. It holds comradery, comfort, and oh so much beer. There’s a light-hearted tone to its military memory, and then someone sticks their dick in a tank pipe, and you’re like, ‘Ah, yes, there it is’. The hangover is emphasized by the collective choir. The nostalgia it brings as you hold your glass in the air in solidarity becomes more intense. And just as the horn threatens the horizon, you say ‘fuck it, pour me another!’

Once more, I cannot express how much I love every bit of untainted energy these guys bring to the scene. They take the cheese and spread it all the way across, they never say it’s too much, they just keep going. But with all the power metal essence in embracing their themes, they took a turn on The Divine Phallusy. Taking up a bit of jazz, a touch of avant-garde, and dipping their toes in a variety of metal subgenres, Powerdong truly takes what it means to be a Musician, to be an Artist, and gives us an album that’s worthy of the blessings of Panzerdong. So, do you have what it takes to embrace the legends of the dong? Are you ready? Cuz’ it’s time to go big or go dong!

Want to start from the beginning? Then check-out my review for Powerdong‘s debut EP over on Noobheavy!